#为了你我忍

I can't remember why I started the blog, I've always felt that it was "lame" for guys to blog ever since secondary school unless the blog had a specific purpose that I felt it was "not lame". Eg. I always felt that CK's blog was to chase and bluff those xiaomeimei into thinking he is some superior philosophical intellect when in actual fact he is just a smart troll and therefore the blog had a noble purpose. #respect

As I was re-reading my posts, it dawned upon me that I am the faggot. In the sense that I am actually using this platform as an outlet to verbalize and vent my frustrations whenever I feel extremely overly tilted by life.

With this title and the long hiatus post, here is a brief summary of the changes in my life.

1) I am married for 1 year with a house of our own.
2) I am a father of a cute baby girl of 3 weeks.

At 29 years old, this would probably be the average age for all those to happen. It also meant that the transition from child to adult has to end and I need to be a fully responsible adult asap.

Marriage is an interesting thing. Quick summary on the things I am unhappy about.

1) Having a banquet is a fking waste of money. Its just us putting up a show for people I have never seen / never will see / never want to see for the rest of my life. AKA her relatives.

2) Yes we earned from the wedding, at what cost? All the time / effort spent in preparing, its just so not worth it. Imagine taking the money, time, effort into an overseas trip together, holy fk. It just blows my mind why I have to do it.

3) Retarded wedding customs. As a guy from a Shanghai / Hongkong descent, I have literally ZERO requirements. In my 12 years of knowing Zoe, she has not exhibited a single Teochew quality nor made a statement on how proud she is in being a Teochew. Literally fking zero. Suddenly wedding comes around and we have to start preparing all sorts of bullshit like 4 pieces of gold that she will never fking wear, giving cakes and cans of pork and dunno what fk to dunno what fk people, have to put angpaos and red blanket on beds etc. Now to be fair, she herself has no idea wtf is going on, everything is orchestrated by her parents and that was the beginning of my demise.

Now it may seem that I am extremely disrespectful to her relatives and her side of the family. Yes I am. To be fair, I am not disrespecting them as human beings, I am disrespecting their intellect for forcing me to adhere to their customs and requirements. Its like, there are pro-life people who say that euthanasia should be illegal. Look, its my life, if I want to end it, who would be in a better position to make that decision other than myself? Similar to religion, you are free to believe whatever the fk you want, but do not force it on others. Its the exact same logic. 

People always say "结婚不是两个人的事，结婚是两家人的事”.  Nope. I love Zoe. Only. If I'm marrying their whole family by following the customs then sure, ask her sister lie down also.

At best I am neutral about her family, but fk her relatives (and mine). 结婚 used to be about both families but this is 2017, our parents could all be dead and I would still marry Zoe with zero difficulty in finances.

Its so fking unfair. I have to adhere to silly customs and the entire banquet facade. What if I tell her parents that it is Shanghai custom for the guy to sodomize the girl's entire family? Would that work? Can I turn around and say that they are not respecting my customs if they reject my anal demands? Fair what. And so what if I do not adhere to the customs? You will not let Zoe marry me? Sure. Goodbye to 11 years of relationship because I am unwilling to arrange the set up of oranges in a particular manner at a particular timing.

So as you can see. I am losing control of the things that I am SUPPOSED to be in charge of.
I am the one getting married.
I am the groom.
Yet I control nothing and am being controlled like a slave.

If you ask me, here is my desired "wedding ceremony".

1) Invite close friends and close relatives on separate occasions for a dinner.
2) Announce our marriage
3) Treat them to a sumptuous meal
4) Go on an extremely atas high quality overseas honeymoon trip

No red bombs. True blessings from people. Efficient use of money and time and effort.

Maybe this is part of being an adult? Losing myself, losing my own voice and listening and following blindly? I dunno. All I know is, I love Zoe. so #为了你我忍

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fast forward to February 2017. This is the year of presidential elections. Since both of us are civil servants, we have been appointed to be election officials and are required to go for training. Thankfully we were given the choices to select our training dates and we went down for a full day training course together. By lunch, we felt that we have fully understood the course and decided to skip the afternoon session where they simulate the actual day itself. So we went home.

Fast forward to November 2017. I am a father. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

I swear to god I have been pulling out for YEARS and it has ALWAYS worked. This sperm was one hell of a swimmer. Fuuuuuuuck.

The topic of parenthood came up plenty of times during our dinner dates in the past. Based on science, females above 30 are considered 高龄产妇 and hence has to take alot of injections and tests to ensure the baby is not retarded or something. (The odds increase a few % every few years)

I have always brought up this question "Are we ready to be parents?" Instead of using body clock as a catalyst and reason to have a child, it seems more logical to consider the following factors.

1) Are you ready to commit at least 18 years of your life?
2) Do you and your wife have similar expectations of the child?
3) What kind of opportunities do we want to give our child? And how much before its too much? Do we force it thinking we know better?
4) Finances?
5) 你的梦想是什么? Think about it, it has been only.... 3 to 4 years after we have been truly financially independent. We have just reached a point where we have PLENTY of options to explore. Are you working in a job you like? Are you passionate about the things you are doing? Eg. If travelling and exploring the world is your dream, having a child would surely delay/inconvenience that dream. Are you ready to settle down with a child? Are we going to end up being very negative and end up using the child as an excuse to why we are not achieving our dreams?

People always say "You will never be truly ready". Fuck you. There is definitely a point where a guy/girl is ready to settle down and this is especially true when you are teachers. We have seen enough fked up children and fked up parents to understand what is required to raise a "successful" child in the current meta. We have also seen what it takes to truly commit and be responsible for raising a child.

Here is a simple test to see if you are ready to be parents.
Your child is screaming its ass off in public. How to react?
Your child is violent towards others. How to react?
Your child is doing poor academically. How to react?

There is a high chance that the average person would not know. If all you have is money and a house and not the right mentality, you will just grow to resent the child.

My dear Arelia, I will try my best to not have feelings of resentment towards you. I will try my best not to be a bad role model for you. Goodbye to my comfortable beanbags. Goodbye to my nice padded flooring. Goodbye to my days of rowdy gaming with my 猪朋狗友 late into the night. Goodbye to my privacy of having my own room. #为了你我忍

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just realized I saved this as draft so as to not hurt people's feelings that soon. Its now 2018. Arelia is 1 years old.  I am starting to treasure and value my own memories and intellect more than the feelings of others.