I feel very ashamed.

Had an impulse to post this as a reminder that dogs cannot change eating shit. Particularly the dog in this case is me and the shit in this case is me being a fked up person. Not many people know my army stories and alot of people including Zoe has often noticed that army changed me significantly and "for the better".

While army did change me for the better to a certain extent, it taught me so so many valuable lessons in life as I finally had the opportunity to be treated as someone who was expendable/disposable/useless thrash. Not only that, the people who treated me like expendable disposable useless thrash RANGED from people dropping out of ITE (Regular specs) to people who were younger/same age as me that were going to NUS/NTU together after ORD (NSF Officers).

It made me so sick to the stomach everyday when ITE failures were commanding me to do inefficient and pointless things and punishing me for suggesting smarter ways of doing things. It made me even more sick to the stomach when officers whom I had higher expectations of, joined in the fun and ridiculed me further in a more intellectual way. Regular specs would just give physical punishment like PT or confinement, because their brains arent that sophisticated. Officers I had were much worse, they would use the things I confided in them during those mandatory talks to ridicule and humiliate me in an intellectual way. I have to keep this hate alive for the rest of my life to keep reminding myself to be a fked up person to protect myself and my loved ones. Daniel T*n from NUS dentistry. Francis L*m Jia* Xia* from some random poly. If one day I think of a perfect crime and you happen to be in my life, god bless you. (Just kidding..... Or am I?)

Which brings me back to my point, I used to be very straightforward, very positive and optimistic, very blunt with words, but never an evil thought or intention that would harm others. I would stand up for what I felt is right, speak up for people who just accepted bullshit and that really got me into alot of trouble.

After NS, I am scheming, cynical and full of bullshit. I read very very deep in between the lines, I have multiple personas when dealing with different people, I can sense danger of my welfare from a mile away. I am manipulative and cunning in such a fked up way, I would say yes and smile to different groups of people while trying to achieve an objective that was only beneficial to myself. I thought I would no longer require this "skill" to protect myself once I ORD. Sadly, every ICT would awaken this nature and refines this skill further.

I thought to myself, there would be absolutely no need for this "skill" once I enter the workforce, since if I am paid a salary to endure certain nonsense then by all means endure. Sadly, it has awakened once again and I am ashamed and afraid of myself because the people I am dealing with are really weak low level noobs compared to fkers from NS.

How far would I  go to manipulate nice people into doing more just so I can do less? How fake would I be to manipulate people into thinking I am doing just as much? How pretentious must I be to create and instill fear into people who dare to approach me to do things? How much of a smiling joker must I be so that when I suddenly turn serious, people wouldnt know how to deal with me? How cruel must I be to humiliate and ostracize people who wayang and spoil market while still maintaining a friendly relationship? How fked up must I be, if I could achieve all of the above while hiding behind a facade of smiles and deceit?

I am ashamed, I really am, and I am feeling that my fangs and claws are starting to show which is why I am writing this emergency post to remind myself to keep it hidden. The more people open up to me, the more I need to pull back otherwise I am afraid they would see the real me. This quote from one of my friends would be perfect to end this pathetic excuse of a post.

All Singaporean guys are fked up. Why?
NS is fked up, and all SG guys have to go through NS. Therefore, all SG guys are fked up.