Typing this at 4am in the New Year. 2020 passed by so quickly.
Referencing my post 3 years ago:
" My dear Arelia, I will try my best to not have feelings of resentment towards you. I will try my best not to be a bad role model for you. Goodbye to my comfortable beanbags. Goodbye to my nice padded flooring. Goodbye to my days of rowdy gaming with my 猪朋狗友 late into the night. Goodbye to my privacy of having my own room. #为了你我忍 "
Once again I marvel at my own foresight. It is actually painfully accurate to what my life has become. From an avid gamer, to an emasculated fat fuck, I dont even know if I can finish typing all my thoughts or I will just give up like my previous posts, just like how I always give up in real life.
I have always wondered, what went through my Dad's mind when he decided to leave my Mom and I. I am slowly but surely starting to empathise. I have never hated my Dad, I'm more like Naruto where I never really knew my own Dad well enough to forge any meaningful connection hence the lack of sadness. To a certain extent, I had this feeling that my mom was part of the reason why he left. The constant condescension and passive aggressiveness with unrealistically high expectations almost made me take my life when I was barely 8. I could still remember thinking about it constantly, opening up the kitchen drawer and taking out the biggest knife and running my thumb along the blade. Opening up the window and staring down, wondering what it would be like to just take the leap. One thing that stopped me was basically the logic that both methods would not guarantee death and I really hated the notion of going through alot of pain and suffering and yet not die. Come to think of it, I wonder if I was in the US and guns were lying around would I still make the same decision?
I also made plans to leave the house for good. I still remember the entire plan that I crafted for weeks. I saved up $27 in my snoopy wallet. It was alot for a Primary 2 or 3 student back in the day. I made a list of places where I could steal food without getting caught and I would go to public swimming pools to bathe / drink from their water cooler. Back then I was not allowed to go out on my own so the plan was to just not take the school bus home. I told my grandma about the plan because I trusted her and I wanted her to bring me food if I ever ran out of money. She ratted me out and my mom secretly stole my snoopy wallet hence putting a stop to all my plans. Life was slightly better after that.
Fast forward to now. 2021. I truly appreciate the effort my mom made to raise me up and I can totally empathise how difficult it must have been. Doesn't mean she didn't destroy my childhood, she totally did. But I understand how difficult it was and now she is really trying her best with Arelia.
Here's my hypothesis: My dad actually didnt want kids. My mom had an abortion once. I was not the first child. By the second child (me) my mom decided to keep the baby, my dad was a free-spirited chef that liked fast cars (F1 macau racer once) / gambling / smoking. My mom was a university lecturer. The 2 of them absolutely dont click. Basically my mom's family was poor in China and my dad's family basically bought a fk ton of stuff for them like washing machines and bicycles and clothes etc. So basically my mom married a fuckboy for money/family. There is no way they could stand each other when their core values are so different. He would gamble away all his money until no milk powder money etc. bla bla bla basically he was too immature to start a family and hence divorce.
Divorce is something that has gone through my mind constantly these few years. Is Zoe really the right person for me? Is she settling for me? Am I settling for her? We share close to zero common interest other than singing. Sure we both like to travel but the places and style of travel is vastly different between us. I seek to explore while she seeks to relax. Nonetheless small thing. She hates gaming. She doesn't watch the same shows I watch. We basically have no common interests / topics between us. At this point, I simply view her as Arelia's mom. I have no desires for her, because I simply don't respect her intellect. I don't see any value in talking to her, she is unlikely to provide me any value other than being Arelia's mom.
Being Arelia's mom is actually good enough for me to just trudge along in this relationship. But sadly / unfortunately, her ability of being a mom is fking terrible. As a fellow teacher, it is actually pathetic to watch as I am the only one disciplining Arelia. Many a times her absolute failure of being a mom would make me so upset that I would just storm out and takeover while venting all my frustrations on Arelia. Over the years I have just grown to accept that she is a simply a bad disciplinarian. I am 100% sure she knows how I feel and often she would just throw Arelia to me simply because it is the easier option.
Long story short, the only things she bring to the table is that she cooks 1 meal a day for Arelia. I can easily do that. She liases with a part time helper to clean the house. I can easily do that. She orders things necessities like toilet paper / washing powder etc online. I can easily do that.
Every single routine that Arelia has started with me. I send Arelia to school, I pick her up from school. I bathe her, I wash her backside, I teach her how to brush teeth, I even taught her how to fold toilet paper and clean her own peehole after urinating. Fking unbelievable. Bed time routines, eating routines, establishing boundaries, everything me. This was all fine.
She signed up for a gym membership. Sure. Her money, her choice. Her passion was exercising and I am of course supportive. Thinking that she is a rationale responsible thinking adult, I am sure she would know her priorities. Unfortunately thats where my respect for her started to dwindle. She would go to the gym 3 times a week at night. After putting Arelia's dinner in the cooker, she would just be gone for the rest of the night. Leaving me to fetch / bathe / dry hair / play / feed / wash bowl / wash backside / change pyjamas / read story all by myself for 3 times a week.
Unbelievable.
When Arelia is finally taken care of, is it time for my own passion? Unfortunately because Arelia is sleeping, I can no longer play games that require me to talk / communicate because my voice could potentially wake her up and guess who's the one to go in and soothe a crying toddler? The one and only thing that defines my life, the one and only thing that makes me happy, is gone. I am relegated to playing mobile games with a $4000 gaming setup. Alone.
Unbelievable.
What have I become? Who am I really? Is this the life I want for the next 30 years?
The straw that broke the camels back was when I had a fever + a splitting headache on one of her gym days. I told her explicitly that I was not feeling well, was breaking out in cold sweat. She gave me panadol and just left.
Unbelievable.
I really think I don't need her in my life anymore. She offers close to zero value and her existence tilts me to no end. It is a constant struggle of watching her fail and watching her hypocrisy. She told me one of her resolutions was to spend quality time with Arelia. The next week she went out 4 out of 5 nights.
Unbelievable.
On Saturdays, I have private violin lessons in the morning till the afternoon. After my first lesson, I have to buy breakfast for her, pick up the car from her parent's place, drive back, have another lesson, drive Arelia to ballet, drive Arelia back to my mom's place, drive out for dinner, drive her and arelia back, return the car and go home by myself. Despite the fact that the car is from HER parents and she also has a driver license.
Unbelievable.
After ranting for 3 paragraphs, I am starting to sort some thoughts out. It just seems to me that I am very upset with her lack of initiative. To the point that I have lost respect for her as a human being. Every time she steps out of the house I question her value. If I can do it by myself, why do I need her? Alot of people have noticed my significant weight gain this 2 years. I have also sorted my own thoughts out and wondered why. I came to the conclusion that I was stress eating and also somewhere deep in my heart, I think that the fatter I am, the lesser "ego" I have. By lowering my own value, I hope to limit my own wandering mind of what-ifs.
Unbelievable.
I need someone who can bring out the best in me. I need someone who can challenge me intellectually, to have opinions that are interesting, to have ideas and conversations that can bring our lives forward. She is not it.
At the bare minimum, dont tilt me. She tilts me.
Now the more important question comes. What can I do? Personally, the ideal outcome would be that custody be granted to me and SHE pays me alimony. I am a better parent and we both know it, her parents know it, my parents know it. I should definitely do it while Arelia is still young just like how my Dad left early.
I will give myself and Zoe 2 years. 2 years for her to prove that she is worth something. I will take the next 2 years and lose weight.
This time round. I will never make the same mistakes I made. I know exactly what kind of person I am looking for, everything has to be on my terms. No more fking marriage. I need to find someone better than me both spiritually and intellectually.
Happy New Year. I guess that's the most convoluted, depressing, negative way of reminding myself about my 2021 resolution.
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Lmao I found this rant 6 months later still in draft form. Fk it.
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