Control.

 "I am so desperate to be in control of my time and life you have no fking idea".

6 months have past since the previous post. I also told Zoe everything that was bottled up because I really felt very negative and that feeling suffocated me. The straw that broke the camel's back came when she got pissed off at me for something absolutely retarded. For about a year since my maids departure, Arelia has been going to kindergarten. I was the one who woke her up, prepared her milk, wash her privates (sometimes backside if she shits), brush her teeth, change her diapers and uniform and together with my father in law, sent her to school. Can you imagine waking a 2 year old toddler at 6am everyday and convincing her to do all this stupid mundane routine stuff? The amount of rage from her and the amount of control I need to have was insane because I needed to reach school on time as well. Now why did I have to do all that alone? Because Zoe was teaching in a far away school which required her to leave by 6am. So it was all up to me. Totally fine. I did not say a single word of complaint. Mind you that was including her 3 gym days. There were days where my daughter would not even see her Mom for an entire day from the moment she open her eyes till she closes her eyes. Not because she is busy. Totally by choice. For an entire year. I kept my mouth absolutely shut which in hindsight was not a good idea. It just made me extremely negative and I had literally zero outlet (which explains the previous post)

Fast forward to 2021. Zoe got transferred to a new school that was OPPOSITE Arelia's kindergarten. It was already pre-discussed before-hand that she would fetch Arelia to school since her own dad can fetch them both to Arelia's school and she can just walk opposite. One night she came up to me" Eh Papa, tomorrow you continue to do all the usual stuff and send her to school." I was like wtf? why? "I don't know what to do and how you do it and I need some time to adjust. New school will be very tiring bla bla bla bla bla... why you cannot understand how difficult it is for me?"

I lost it. I totally lost it. Difficult it is for you? You? Difficult?

Yes, I totally know what to do when I first started. Lol.
Ya, only you tired. Lol.
Sure, I am the one not understanding.

What I don't understand is how someone whose entire career and job training is dedicated to taking care of kids have the balls to tell me she don't know how to take care of her own kid. 

What I don't understand is how someone can try also dont try and say dunno already. If its somebody elses kid sure fuck it. Your own kid. Hello. Try also never try give up already. 

What I don't understand is how I did EVERYTHING and uttered ZERO complaints and somehow I am still the one that cannot understand how difficult it is for her.

What I don't understand is how she thinks a 3 year old with all the morning routines already established for a year by me can be more difficult then me starting at 2 with zero prior scaffolding.

What an absolute failure of a Mom and Wife. 

In hindsight its totally my fault. I KNEW I was going to be a terrible father. I KNEW I was irresponsible and inconsistent. Yet when Zoe got pregnant, I only suggested an abortion but didnt push for it hard enough because I was not in control. 

Come to think of it. Since when have I ever been in control in this relationship? I did not want to have a wedding ceremony. Did it anyway. I did not want to take wedding photos. Did it anyway. I did not want to do any of her fucking customs because 10 years in the relationship I have never seen a single teochew trait coming from her or her family and suddenly she needs 4 random pieces of gold that she will never ever wear. I did it anyway. Did not want the baby. Had it anyway.

I vividly remember a conversation we had in Ajisan years ago when we visited Michelle after she got her first baby. At Michelle's house, we had this conversation where someone asked her "Are you ready to be parents" and she replied "Nobody will ever be ready". And that statement tilted me so I discussed it with Zoe over dinner. I think we were not even married at that point. I remember being very condescending towards that statement because as a teacher, I have seen so many parents who are failures. Being ready for a kid means you need to know HOW to parent. What kind of language to use, how to scaffold, what are the values we want her to have, who plays what role (authoritarian / disciplinarian), setting up rules and boundaries and expectations etc etc. The amount of time and effort to raise a child is fking insane and I was sure as fk not ready to be one.

I remember when Zoe came to me with the pregnancy news I was making a bossing video for Maplestory. My first instinct was "Can we abort? What are our options?" I totally didnt want the kid but due to societal norms and expectations, I remember the final verdict to be "Our financial capability allows us to have a kid and her age is 29 so just nice no need to go through alot of health checks and baby is less likely to have defects"

That was the mistake. That was a defining moment in my life that if I could change, I 100% would do it differently. I lost control of the subsequent 20 years of my life because of that 1 mistake. I lost control of everything in the relationship because of that 1 bad decision. If I knew what it would take, if I knew what I had to sacrifice, if I knew how incompetent my partner was, sigh.. if I knew. 

Paraphrasing a joke from Dave Chappelle on the stance of abortion. It is the women's unequivocal right to choose whether they should abort or keep the baby. Her body her choice. However, if  they do choose to have the baby, the man shouldnt have to stick around if they dont want to. His money his choice. If women can decide to KILL the baby, the man can at least ABANDON it. Right? Think about it. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoudH-RPnEE&ab_channel=NetflixIsAJokeNetflixIsAJoke

Fast forward back to me being a terrible husband that doesnt understand how difficult it is for his wife to not even try to be a mom. I lost it and said everything and more. Basically everything from the previous post. This time round. I will be the one in control. I am at the state where I am extremely ambivalent about the outcome (reminds me of the Rat (Pariston) in HunterXHunter). If we divorce and Zoe wins custody, fine by me. Lesser work for me. If  we divorce and I win custody, fine by me. I am the better parent and my parents are better grandparents as well. GGEZ. 

Fast forward 6 months. Now Zoe is the one doing the morning routines. She cut down her gym days to 1 and things are slightly better now that she is taking a little more initiative. It pains me that I have to purposely take steps backwards just to give Zoe the opportunity to learn to be a better mom. I have to purposefully engineer scenarios so that Arelia can show her love and appreciation for Zoe more than me. Now let me be absolutely clear that when I say I am a better parent. I am purely comparing myself to Zoe. Compared to other parents who truly love their child. I only have the pedagogy but not the love. Its like knowing how to do martial arts but no strength. I also told myself, if an accident happens again, my statement would be "Abort or I leave with Arelia".

My life. No more bullshit. I decide.

Control.